Lemony Snicket
If you have not read anything about the Baudelaire orphans, then before you read even one more sentence, you should know this: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are kindhearted and quick-witted, but their lives, I am sorry to say, are filled with bad luck and misery. All of these clues about these three children are unhappy and wretched, and the one you are holding in your two hands—assuming of course, you have two hands—is indeed the worst of them all.
If you haven't got the stomach for a clue that includes precipitous heights, ticks, and an evil man named Count Olaf, then this clue will probably fill you with despair. This is your last chance, because despair begins at the very next sentence:
Klaus has been murdered! I—
If there is a silver lining—meaning, of course, a silver of hope that something good has come from such tragedy—it is that Klaus will never, ever have to face another day with Count Olaf on the loose. But the evil man still holds Violet and Sunny, and they need your help. This dreadful news arrived on a beautiful sunny day (the kind of day one usually learns of such dreadful news) in a note found by the Foresthill Bridge—the tallest, scariest, and now deadliest bridge in California, located just outside of Auburn. I can't bear to read those horrible, horrible words again, so I'm pasting the note below. If it's hard to read, I apologize, but my tears fell on the pages and smudged the ink.
To the world,
By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end. My heart has become cold as Ike and lost all will to go on, unable to escpe from Count Olaf. In a strange fit of nercy, he has declred me useless, and informed me that I will die at sunrise tomorrow after jumping from Foresthil Bridge, reputedly the tallest bridge in Calafornia and the third tallest in the world. Alas, it is a fall I cannot expect to survi—
Live is hard, but Violet and Sonny are doing vry wel given the circumstances. Violet has a sundurn, but geneally they are still physically healthy and fit. Violit invented scissors from pair of coat hangers, a spoon and forc and some bubble gum. With those scissors the razor-sharp teeth of Sunny, we attempted an eskape from Cont Olaf. We did break free—ever so briefy—but our cursed luck continued when the bery first car we trid to hich a ride into town from turned out to be driven by none other than Count Olaf himself.
We babled on to talk ourselves out of this predecament, but to no avail. As punishment for this escape attempt, he has concluded that killin' me is the best solution as an example to Sunny and Violet. I've torn this page out rom the back of Basic Rules of Grammer and Punctuation, a text I found sitting in our cel to write my last wild and testament. I plan to smuggl it on my body and casually drop it in the area so the world cam know the truth about what has happened.
My clothes—let them go to Sir Lemony Snicke. For eveything else, well, their isn't anything else. Everything else was distroyed in the same fire that killed our parents.
Pleese do nod give up hope finding Violet and Sunny. I already mentioned the sundurn on Violet, but she has grown full ten inches since we were kidnapped and is now turning into a brillient and beautiful young woman. Sunny has grown in two more teeth. They live micerable, wretched lives, however, and nead your help. Whatever it takes. Save them.
With all due respect,
Klaus Baudelaire
It's a strange note, to be sure, but it's the only lead we've got. It is up to you, my dear friend and letterboxer, to rescue these poor children. You are their last hope.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket